Doctor Faust? Lovely
by Siddharth the 16th
Summary: A crossover between Faust (not Marlowe's version though, but I didn't find Goethe's in the list) and Lucifer, very, VERY loosely based on Goethe's dialogue... so it's basically a dialogue. I may add more parts, just not sure I need to.


"Why, hello there! Doctor Faust, I presume?"

"You were the dog!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"The black dog I brought home earlier today. You were the dog."

"I have literally no idea what you're talking about."

"Nevermind. What's your name?"

"Seriously? You summoned me."

"Well, then, I'll just call you Lord of the Flies—"

"Wait-wait-wait. It's Lucifer. Morningstar."

"Nice to meet you. So, Lucifer, what do you do?"

"I say, you are funny. Were you reading an erotic poem backwards and summoned me by accident? These things have been known to happen, so I'll understand."

"Answer the question, demon!"

"Ooh, feisty, aren't we, Doctor? That actually hurt. Let's say that I'm part of the force that strives for evil but does a lot of good on the way. Does it make any sense?"

"Not really."

"Well, I always tell the truth, so it's true."

"I still don't get it. Part of what force? Why all the obscure drama?"

"How can I put this… There are two sides to the force that's out there."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Oh dear. You humans are positively hilarious. You think your world is so big, don't you? Well, it isn't. You're just a teeny-tiny lump of dirt in a vast Universe. I cannot for the life of me understand why He likes you so much and how He doesn't get bored with you. Frankly speaking, I often wish your planet were gone and you were all gone. Less work for me that way."

"But you can't kill us all, right?"

"I can kill none of you, actually."

"Then you're wasting your time. Have you thought about wishing something else was gone? Something actually destroyable?"

"Now that's a fresh idea. I'll think about it. Thank you, Doctor. See you later. Bye!"

"Wait! You can't go. There's a pentagram on the floor!"

"A pent—You can't possibly be serious! It's not even complete, there's a corner missing. I'm almost disappointed."

"Don't go. I want something from you."

"Now you're talking. Go on."

"I want to make a pact."

"Ah! You want a deal!"

"I do."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Positive."

"Tell me more."

"I'm bored. I'm depressed. I can't work, I can't sleep, I just want to die."

"So why didn't you kill yourself last night? You almost drank that poison."

"Wait, how do you—Were you spying on me?"

"That's a very crude way of putting it, but yes."

"Damn it. I don't know why I didn't do it. I honestly hate life and everything that comes with it."

"So, Doctor. Tell me. There must be something that's keeping you here. What do you truly desire?"

"I…"

"Yes"?

"Knowledge. I want to know all there is to know."

"Lovely. I might be able to offer some help."

"And what do you want in return?"

"A favour, to be named at a later time."

"No, this won't do. I want to know the terms and conditions before I agree to anything."

"Righty-o. I need you to go to hell after you die."

"Isn't that kind of implied?"

"It's… complicated. Oh, and before I forget. I'll need a safeword."

"A what?"

"Ah. You'll learn, Doctor. You'll learn."

"Actually, I doubt there's anything you can teach me. I've seen it all. That's the reason I don't want to live in the first place."

"You're even more hilarious than I thought. You've seen so little, but you're so sure there's nothing left to learn – or to enjoy, for that matter."

"Okay, then, here's your safeword. If at any point I say, "I don't want this to end" or anything along these lines, you may take my soul immediately."

"Ugh. I don't need your soul. What would I do with it?"

"But… What's in it for you?"

"I want to win, Doctor."

"Win what?"

"My wager with dear old Dad. He insists you'll go to the Silver City. I happen to believe that your place is down below, and given enough time, you'll get there."

"I see. Whatever, I don't care. Shall we draw up the contract?"

"What cont—Yes, of course, the contract! In two copies, no less! Signed with your own blood!"

"Naturally."

"Are you serious? I was so obviously joking! I don't need your bl—Ew. All right, as you wish."

"I just feel it should be tangible, you know."

"As I've already said, ew."

"So, now I'll live as long as I'm not happy?"

"That's the gist, yes."

"Nice. I'll live forever and I'll finally know everything."

"Forever? Have I told you that you were hilarious? No one knows everything, not even me. Well, Dad does, but He never talks to anyone anymore. It's incredibly annoying, you can't imagine."

"If He never talks to anyone, how did you two have a wager?"

"Huh? Um… You know what, Doctor? There's precious little time, so why don't you go get dressed."

"I'll live forever, so there's plenty of time."

"Bloody hell! I give up. Go get dressed, Doctor. We're leaving."


End file.
